i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Drunk is a universal language darling
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
