he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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