Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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