I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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