You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
