i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
