The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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