eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
