with your own penis?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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