Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
