happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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