I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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