that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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