Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
