my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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