It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
