my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
