I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
