it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
