i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the condom got lost in my hair
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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