Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
