It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
