At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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