you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just found a bag of teeth...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
