I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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