You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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