I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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