hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
