She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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