Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
