dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
