I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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