so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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