can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
