Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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