I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
