Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
