A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
