She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
