he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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