I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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