And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
