there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
