I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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