It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize