I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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