Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
