woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
