clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
