whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
