Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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