So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
