I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
