Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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